Monday, June 29, 2009

Flooded Basement

or at least that's what I told my boss. I just couldn't deal with work today. I woke up late (typical) and layed around for a while trying to come up with an excuse as to why I was late. The best I could come up with was that my basement was flooded and I was waiting for Big Papa to come home. The attitude my boss gave me prompted me to declare a mental health day.

So now I have an entire day with no children, no Big Papa, and no work. I certainly have lots to do to fill my time though. Will I fill it productively? So far I have done a lot of work on an upcoming wedding I am the event planner for (small side business, more on that later), opened a much needed bank account, and um, ate lunch.

I feel like I fail myself and it drives me crazy. I have all sorts of goals that I can never seem to reach and the pissa of the whole matter is that they are really the same handful of goals. So why can't I just set a reasonable plan and attack it? I am lazy, I am weak, I enjoy misery (not sure whether to put a period or question mark here)....

Let's - for the millionth time - list them.

1. Lose weight/get in shape - yes I know almost everyone says this, but I seriously need to do it. I am just completely unhappy with myself and I think that it affects so many other parts of my life. My confidence sucks, and I think I could cruise along life a lot better with more confidence. I just love food and am lazy. Anyhow, I digress.

2. Create and maintain a reasonable schedule - This is so stupid. I go to bed too late, sleep way too late. Don't have good healthy habits and just need to decide to do it.

3. Get a hold of our finances - way to complicated to dive into right now (lazy much???)

4. Organization! - Sort of along the same lines as number 2 but further involved.

5 Be more artsy - I love to be artsy, this blog is a good start but there are more needs!

Ok I am too distracted to complete this post now, but I'll finish later.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

I Find Myself

debating with myself more and more often lately. The most recent question was, "Are women who truly enjoy sex, whores?". As a female and one who really really enjoys sex, I snap my head and shout, "No!". Because I am in no way a whore. Well, I guess that would depend on who you ask.

I have had my share but not over-abundance of partners. I have experimented with all sorts of different "kinks". I have zero problem with initiating sex or being pissed off if I am denied. I love to role play and talk dirty. I do have boundaries though. I know enough about fairly mainstream fetishes (is that an oxymoron?) to know that I am in no means a freak. I no my boundaries but I love to push the envelope on them, you know?

Early this evening, my husband (Big Papa) and I were getting it on. I, of course, initiated it. I was teasing him as he began to unbutton my shirt and pushed his hand away and asked him what kind of girl he thought I was. Now mind you, my hands were below the belt, if you catch my drift. This went on for a little while and I asked again, "don't you think I am a good girl?". He laughed and then hesitated. "Sure". Then I asked if he thought I was a a whore and he replied, "ummm, well, no, not really". WTF!!! I sort of let is pass so we could just continue with the deed and not ruin the moment, but later as I clean myself up from some really over the top amazing sex, I started to question myself. Maybe I am a whore. I mean I really love sex. I have great sex. Why wouldn't I love it? But why do I have great sex? Because I love it and won't settle for sub-standard performances.

And then it hit me as I looked at myself in the mirror while I washed my hands. It isn't necessarily great sex that I have, but great orgasms. I know how to get myself really turned on, let myself come to the brink a few times and then when I can't possible resist anymore I enjoy a full-body, earth-shattering orgasm. But did I really even need Big Papa for it? What did he do to contribute to its greatness other than provide the equipment? In fact, I attempted many times (as usual) to talk dirty to him and in an attempt to get him to reciprocate, ask him lots of questions. His answers are always one word. Blah, what a turn off. I want him to get really into it and start just speaking with out thinking because he is just past the point of thinking and can only feel now. Sigh, but he just isn't into pushing the great limits that you can with sex. He is probably pretty much OK with average. As long as he gets off then all was good. Doesn't he realize he could get off even harder and more intense. And even more have such a tantric sexual experience that the entire thing feels like one amazing orgasm.

We've been married for over seven years.